the world comes to me

The young academic who often visits China
has just returned from a trip to Iceland
when he drove to within 4km of Eyjafjallajokull.

He tells me of the extraordinary crackling sound
of the volcano exploding; twisters of volcanic dust;
a smell of sulphur that clings to everything;
the gigantic plume of smoke that fills half of the sky
and leaves the other half clear and blue.

He thinks that it is unlikely that
he will ever see anything as exciting again in his lifetime.
I make him promise to show me a photograph
and when he sounds surprised
I insist that I would really, truly love to see a photo.

"Well..." he says "if you are really, really sure
I will send you a photo whenever I go somewhere interesting."

"I'd like that a lot." I said.

original post

The Eyjafjallajokull edition

MrsM is pacing the empty corridors of the Department.

There are 15 academic staff stranded abroad;
they are experienced and resourceful travellers
but MrsM wants them all back. Safely.

1.
The Intrepid Research Assistant
was the first one home after driving overnight
from Denmark to Calais.
He emails to let me know that he is
'tired and dirty but safely home'.

2.
The Very Cultured Professor
has decided to visit Vancouver
while he waits for his rescheduled flight
'because I have never been there before'.

3.
The Professor of whom we spoke some time ago
has had a car accident in North Carolina
but fortunately is only shaken, not stirred.

4.
The Examinations Officer is stuck in Washington
and we confer on the phone to make sure
that the exam preparations are unaffected.

5.
The Expert on Hand Axes is in St.Louis
but it doesn't stop him from sending me emails
which make me laugh out loud.

6.
The Enthusiastic Academic
is in hot and humid Taiwan
about which she feels less than enthusiastic.

7.
The Expert on Fair Trade
has decided to wait it out in a beach hut.
She assures me this is the cheapest option.

8.
The Expert on Communication Technology
is in a very comfortable hotel in Finland.
Travelling overland is not an attractive alternative.

9.
The Head of Department is stranded in South Carolina
and his only consolation is the knowledge
that the Dean of Faculty is stranded in China.

10.
The Deputy Exams Officer says, gloomily,
'I hope they all get back
before the other volcano blows...'

11.
The Young Academic confirms his trip to Iceland
is still going ahead next week.
He assures me that you can fly in from the West.
I double check that he has travel insurance.

12.
The Vulcanologist from upstairs
is quivering with excitement;
Christmas has come unexpectedly early
if you are a Geologist.

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Easter Vacation

It is the quietest day of the year.

The academic staff are away en masse
at international conferences
or doing field work in foreign parts.

This means that I can do the following:

1.
Admire the pink blossomy beauty of the campus.

2.
Smile sweetly at the lady behind the cash desk
when she scowls at me.

3.
Chat up the guy in charge of the conference
until he lets me eat the jelly beans
which have been put out for the delegates.

4.
Admire the tiny dog called Stanley
with a diamond collar and little grey hoodie
who arrives tucked under the arm of a (male) student.

5.
Pimp my examinations spreadsheet
with coloured tabs.

6.
Listen to music!
In my office!
On my sparkly green iPod!

7.
Wave to the tiny student
who sits like a sea sprite
on the rock outside the front door
having a break from cataloguing hand-axes.

8.
Listen to the lovely lady from Finance
tell me about her Caribbean cruise.

9.
Go to lunch with a visiting Chinese academic
and hear his in-depth analysis
of UK steel and coal production.

10.
Water the Head of Department's
much loved collection of plants.
I have only managed to kill one.
Regretfully.

11.
Discuss football
(about which I know very little)
with the Newcastle supporter
in his black and white Magpie shirt.

12.
Wish I could hear the noisy footsteps
of the academic who has just turned 40
as he arrives in my office
with yet another cunning plan
to spin money out of thin air.

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Insiders v. Outsiders

MrsM
Please check the proof copy of your exam paper
and sign against your name.

Awkward pause

Junior Lecturer
I am afraid that there are mistakes.

MrsM is genuinely shocked.

Junior Lecturer
The full stop should be INSIDE the quotation marks.

MrsM is aghast

MrsM
The Examinations Officer has specified
that it should be OUTSIDE the quotation marks.

Junior Lecturer
Well, he is wrong.

MrsM’s eyes grow as large as saucers.
Nobody EVER questions the Examinations Officer
and especially his opinion on punctuation.

MrsM
He has stipulated that the full stops
should be outside the quotation marks
and he feels very strongly about it.

Junior Lecturer
Well, I feel VERY strongly about it too.
I have researched this issue in great detail.

MrsM
I think this conversation is moving above my pay-grade…

MrsM goes to see her friend,
the Deputy Examinations Officer,
and asks his advice.
They decide that there is only one answer:
a joust in the long corridor outside the offices.
The Deputy Examinations Officer
suggests that T Shirts are made available
so that staff can indicate if they are
Insiders or Outsiders.

Just another thing to organise...
Sigh...

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Tuesday Morning

I love driving onto campus...
This is what I saw this morning...

1.
The roofing contractor's lorry
with silvery piles of scaffolding rods.

2.
The students rushing across the pedestrian crossing
on their way to the first lecture.

3.
The fruit and vegetable man unloading his lorry
which has come straight from Covent Garden.

4.
The UPS guy, immaculate in brown.
In my heart I believe that his next stop is Tuvalu.

5.
The fierce lady from the Exams Office
walking through a patch of sunlight under the arch.

6.
The student from my old Department
serenely cycling on the wrong side of the road.

7.
The Estate workers already busy
clipping, trimming, digging, brushing.

8.
The lecturer trying to carry a large cup of coffee,
and lecture notes
and smoke simultaneously.

9.
The Security high wheel base 4x4
with fluorescent strips and flashing lights.

10.
The elderly cleaner from my old office
whose sari drapes and folds under her warm coat.

11.
The postgraduate student in a white lab coat
absentmindedly strolling across the road in front of me.

12.
The Head of Department freewheeling down the hill
looking like Darth Vader
with his black shades and cycle helmet.

At the top of the hill
the clock in the tower sounds nine o'clock
and the day is ready to begin.

original post

Terms and Conditions

The Geological Society is in a grand building off Piccadilly and I stood among the crowd of Geologists in the library and asked myself "Why am I here?". It is an impressive room filled with leathery smells and oil paintings and it is not a good place to have a personal crisis

In one sense the answer was straightforward - I had come to hear my friend, the academic who took us to Stonehenge, deliver a lecture about the discovery of a hand axe.

In another sense it was more complex. We live in a world where a job is about money and entitlements, absence management and equal opportunities, tasks and objectives, family-friendly working hours and health and safety policies. These are all worthwhile things but none of them are the reason why you work. I know that you might think that money is the reason why you work but if you have ever been really miserable in a job you will know that is not true.

In the library of the Geological Society I realised that I am very fortunate indeed. I am not well paid and I do have to work long hours; there are petty frustrations and there will be difficult times for Higher Education as the budget cuts bite in the years ahead. But somehow, almost by accident, I have ended up in a job that matches my mixed bag of experience and interests.

None of the things that I love about the job feature in my contract - it does not say "You shall eat canapès in the library of the Geological Society" or "You shall make friends who give wonderful lectures about hand axes" or "You shall go out to dinner with a man who studies snails on Tristan da Cunha" or "You shall laugh at risqué jokes about prehistoric bear skeletons". I don't recall them being mentioned in the job advert or the panel interview but these, and countless other similar examples, are the reasons why I go to work every day.

And all this became clear to me in that moment, in the library of the Geological Society - which shows that you never know when inspiration will strike. And then I turned back to the person I was talking to and carried on our conversation about Thor Heyerdal, feeling very grateful for my good fortune.

The Cartographic Imagination

Today, I watched an academic reading a map
and it seemed to me
that he had the same intensity that you see
in an artist looking at a completed canvas
or a musician reading an orchestral score.

I wanted to ask him
if the rivers actually cascade
in the landscape of his imagination,
if the gridded paper buckles
so that he sees valleys and mountains,
woodland, marshland and beaches,
if the churches with their towers and steeples
are just little map makers' symbols
or become solid stone with people inside.

Or if it stays two dimensional
and the contour lines swirl and curve
over the ridges and folds of paper
as they do when I look at a map.

But, of course, I didn't.