The Department Board Meeting

It is nearly the end of term.
Everyone is tired and scratchy.

1.
The smell of onion soup
drifts across the room.

2.
The Head of Department
has a vivid orange and red waistcoat.
With matching socks.

3.
The business of the department is discussed.
Everyone is there apart from
the Professor who has meetings in Sierra Leone.

4.
The tiny American academic
is wearing a beautifully cut
short suede skirt
with long black boots.

5.
The Admissions Tutor thanks everyone
for their hard work
supporting the admissions process.
Evening Lectures, Open Days, School Visits.
Applications are up.

6.
The academic who dreams of golf courses says
"I am worried that soil is slipping off the agenda."

7.
The enthusiastic academic
is not happy about a proposal.
It has not been properly presented.
The air sparkles.

8.
I am distracted by the sight of a heron
in the blue sky outside the window.
That part of the meeting will not be recorded.

9.
The person next to me is eating
curried chicken in a ciabatta.
It is in imminent danger
of cascading all over his notebook.

10.
The Professor of whom we spoke
requests information about manual handling
with a mischievous glint in his eye.

11.
The Libyan expert is congratulated
on his forthcoming marriage.
Everyone applauds.
He blushes.

12.
Outside, the Magnolia stellata is in full bloom.
In another life I would have been in the garden.

Academic Progression

1.
A young finalist breezes into my office.
As she leaves I notice her well organised backpack.
With a pocket for a water bottle.
Students in my previous Department
did not use backpacks.
Which might explain why
they were always losing things.

2.
This Professor can't stop to chat
because he has a conference call to Alaska.
It is a telephone-interview
for the Masters course.
I wonder if the candidate is smartly dressed
as they try to impress him from afar.

3.
I discuss the arrangements with a PhD student
for a research trip to Vietnam.
We agree that it is unlikely that
rickshaw drivers will write receipts.

4.
There is champagne in my office fridge
for the next PhD student
to celebrate a successful defence of their thesis.

5.
It is such a pleasure to write an email which starts
Dear Dr....
Congratulations...

6.
Four of the best Post doctorate students in the Department
have come to the end of their research grants.
It is so difficult to say goodbye.

7.
Waiting to hear if a grant application
has been successful
is nerve-wracking.
Grey skin and bags under the eyes
kind of nerve-wracking.
A young academic career hangs in the balance.

8.
This young academic has just got his first job.
He shakes hands in a calm, courteous manner.
But as soon as he steps out of my office
he is surrounded by friends
rushing out of offices,
cheering, hugging him and each other
and hurrying him off to celebrate.

9.
The Libyan expert is getting married next month.
He will be spending his honeymoon in Namibia
because he has 'always wanted to go there'.
I hope his wife-to-be enjoys travelling.

10.
Little Rosa comes to see her daddy in his office.
I tell her about the little girl cousin
- also called Rosa -
who is very, very,very naughty.
Little Rosa's eyes grow large with delight.

11.
I receive a special request for
next year's timetable.
I am delighted to be able to help.
I like to think that two children
can take it for granted that their father,
an eminent Professor,
will be home in time to supervise splashes and bubbles.

12.
It is the people that you work with
that make the work worthwhile.

Vetting the Exam Papers

1.
We spend an afternoon locked in a quiet office
scrutinising exam papers.

2.
Everything must be perfect.
Font, format, spelling, grammar,
language, content, style.
There is no room for error.

3.
The Chair of the Exam Board is a serious, careful academic.
He is exceptionally methodical.
His attention to detail is quite frightening.
He is just the right person for the job.

4.
The word 'amongst' is rejected as archaic;
the word 'impacted' is rejected as nouveau
and the word 'conceptualise' as too difficult.

5.
The ex-vegetarian academic who enthuses about duck
is also passionate about commas.

6.
The answer to one question is "Woolly Mammoths"
and the academic next to me says
"Have you ever thought about
how much a woolly mammoth ate?"
Errrr....no.....

7.
The enthusiastic academic enthuses
"What an amazing idea!
What a fascinating question!
We teach our students such interesting topics!
This has made me fall in love with my subject
all over again."

8.
One Professor is in disgrace
because his exam paper is so badly written
that it is rejected.

9.
The tiny American academic
has written an exam paper that is much admired.
The questions are concise, thought provoking and varied.

10.
Another Professor has re-used a question from last year.
This sort of recycling is NOT considered good form.

11.
There is much anxious shuffling
when the paper of one of the panel members is considered.
Each correction is agreed with an embarrassed laugh
and there is a heartfelt sigh of relief
at the end of the process.

12.
After four hours my brain begins to melt
and the corrections on the papers
seem to merge
into
red
ink
blobs.

Geographic Gastronomy

1.
Sunlight glinting on sugar crystals catches my eye.

2.
The lady who cleans my office brings in
homemade onion bhajjis
in the most extravagant and eccentric shapes.

3.
The tiny American academic tells of her Christmas holiday.
She travelled in rural parts of Japan
and ate ferns.

4.
The Head of Department listens politely
and then describes the conference in China
where he ended up in a restaurant called
The House of Frogs.
Everything on the menu was based on frogs.

5.
The tiny American academic rises to the challenge.
She tells us that she was the honoured guest
at a meal in China
and was given a bowl
and a plastic glove.
She retrieved the goose foot
from the bright orange sauce
and chewed it ostentatiously.
It was essential to show how much she enjoyed it.

6.
The Head of Department retires gracefully.
The tiny American wins.

7.
My tall, friendly academic from two offices down
explains that he is no longer vegetarian.
He stayed in a hotel in Wales with an amazing menu
and had an overnight conversion
so that he could eat the Full English Cooked Breakfast.

8.
This ex-vegetarian describes a dish of duck
cooked with red onions and plum sauce
in such detail that it makes me feel hungry to think of it.

9.
What will MasterM be eating
this time next week?

10.
We pore over guide books
with recommendations for steak restaurants
in Buenos Aires.

10.
He reminds me that his uncle
came back from South America
with bags of deep fried grasshoppers.

11.
Roast Beef for supper.

11.
Unless I go to the supermarket NOW
there will be no food in the house this week.
We might need to eat the pointsettia.
Which would be bad for Family Karma.

the end of term

1.
A black cat sits and waits for me to walk past
and then slowly and deliberately walks in front of me.
I feel lucky today.

2.
The chocolate tart at the Department Christmas Lunch
is the lightest of mousse
on top of a thin layer of Florentine.
Delicious.

3.
A small granddaughter arrives for
the Children's Christmas Party.
She sparkles with sequins and smiles.

4.
Why is this student is wearing a long black coat.
And black sunglasses.
And a white, furry hood with earflaps and bobbles?
Think Mafia meets Bugs Bunny.

5.
There is a man outside my office doing T'ai Chi.
It is extraordinary how much he can do
balanced on one leg.

6.
I receive an apology for a missed meeting
"I was queuing at the Libyan Embassy.
They had run out of stickers"

7.
Colleagues email from Venice.
It is flooded and they need a boat
to take them to a restaurant.
Poor things.

8.
What is the correct way to address a student
dressed as a Father Christmas Dog?

9.
I am told that the office doorstop which I inherited
is a chunk of Volcanic Lava from Iceland.
It is, apparently, 'very mobile'.

10.
The December page of the Student Naked Calendar
is slightly too fresh for the Reception
and is covered with strategic Post-It notes.

11.
MrM wins £50 in the Premium Bonds.
He generously agrees to go 'halfy/halfy' with me...
(on the basis that if I win £1 million he wants a share)

12.
Somehow I have made it
to end of the first term
in my new job.
I am exhausted.

An Inaugural Address

The action takes place in a single evening.

SCENE 1

My Office
Time : 5pm

The Professor of whom we speak is handing me a scrawled expense claim for a James Bond DVD. There are many gaps in the form – as usual. He has a young academic with him and within minutes we are all gasping with laughter as the Professor of whom we speak tells stories of his wicked childhood.

He leaves, shirt tail adrift.

SCENE 2

A Large Lecture Theatre
Time : 6pm

The Professor of whom we speak is standing in front of several hundred people. There is an expectant buzz because this is an Inaugural Address. It is the moment that marks the promotion of a Professor. His family are there in the front row, his mentors from his meteoric rise through Academia, the Management, his colleagues from the Department, his students. It will not be a standard academic lecture – it will be a review of his subject to which he is a leading contributor and a look back at the people and places that have inspired him. We lean back in our seats – we know this will be a bravura performance.

His wife has obviously persuaded him to wear a more appropriate jacket.

SCENE 3

The Foyer
Time : 7pm

The Professor of whom we speak is surrounded by a crowd of people congratulating him. He has spoken for exactly an hour without notes. He has checked his watch only once. He has entertained his audience and communicated his enthusiasm for a subject which takes him to areas of international conflict. He has acknowledged his mentors and thanked his colleagues. It is just as well he was not sacked for the false fire alarm caused by riotous living in his first month in the Department because he is a huge asset.

Even if he is incapable of completing an expense form.

the world outside my office

1.
A phone call overheard
“…that and hedgehogs are his abiding passions”

2.
I authorise an expense claim for waders.
They did not need waders in my previous Department.

3.
Much chatter and laughter
near the poster requesting volunteers for
the Traditional Naked Calendar.

4.
A field trip discussed
“...it was great...
a whole week digging
into the back wall of a cave with a teaspoon...
and now I get to go to Spain to analyse the samples...”

5.
An interview candidate with wild professorial hair
and a collar half up, half down.
I wonder if it is deliberate.

6.
My friend the Catering Delivery Man smiles broadly
to see me in my new office.
I smile to see him...
nobody lays out a buffet lunch as beautifully as he does.

7.
A colleague who cannot attend the Christmas lunch apologises.
He has to go to Venice.
He is very regretful.
He would rather go to the lunch

8.
An unexpected gift from China
in packaging pretty enough to frame.

9.
A student with slender fuschia pink legs
like an escaped flamingo

10.
New vistas opening up
through the leafless branches of trees
outside my office.

11.
I did not buy the gilet.
But I should have.
I am too easily intimidated.

12.
I have finally found some Christmas Cards that I like.
It was hard this year.
Now I can start shopping for presents.